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  When i was 10 years old, I was sure i wanted to be an actress. I dreamt of being in front of the camera, perfectly interpreting everything those behind the scenes had envisaged to life. Somewhere in my head i felt like i was a flipping good actress and i saw my self dominating the movie industry.

When i was 13years old, I started writing stories, i knew i had a wild imagination and different events played in my head. At that point i remember the line between what was fictional and real being very thin. I discovered most fantasises i had were a little overstretched, so i decided to write down my imaginations. It sort of became my safe haven and i loved that i had something i could relate too and loved just as much. With my aunt’s help, i got to write jokes, and riddles for the National Pilot news paper. At 14 i wrote my first script and shared it with molly, and i was so sure I’d be an amazing actress and writer by 21.

At 16 i lost all my scripts and short stories, Still hurts till this day.  I started dreaming of having my own food show, because of course, amazing cook.( i mean to gloat). I wrote food articles and dreamt of bringing food network to Nigeria. But i found myself wanting nothing more than being the brain behind making this dream a reality, i cared more about being the brain, rather than the face in front of the camera.
I wrote recipe’s for friends and shared with my home economics mate. I soon began to write for Magazines and blogs at about 17 on 18.

When i turned 18, i  embraced my inquisitiveness towards being behind the scenes, i had this unexplainable interest in how and what made a movie. I started sharing my writing and my love for story telling increased. My writing wasn’t exactly good, Punctuation and grammar errors ( hell i still make those, but not as much as i used to). I started reading script and fell more in love with the art of film making and as the years went by, i saw my self dreaming of being the ‘story teller’ responsible for the adrenaline and every ounce of emotion viewers felt during and after an amazing movie.

I’m 21 now, and the dream still lives, not as strong as a steel Magnolia but it’s still there, somewhere. Losing the AMVCA didn’t help to keep my already sinking dream afloat.  And my creative juice hasn’t really been flowing as used to.

My birthday was few weeks ago and though i was hoping to drop this post on my birthday week, for some reason i didn’t. Few days to my birthday i took an online mind test, something about how to tell the age your mind was, or something like that. The result turned out i had the mind set of a 40 year old woman, my mind is actually 19 years older than i am.  Wow!  I mean, i appreciate that i have a mature mind, but 19 years more mature is very unsettling. Not very inspiring either. It got me thinking about how i was living.

Truth be told, the constant fear of not meeting up to family and societal expectation clouds my mind every single day. I constantly fear that i am not doing the right thing, or doing enough and not achieving as much as i hoped i would have. I have goals and i have envisaged my life to take a certain form. The fear of running out of time is at the top of my mind, but then again, there’s only so much i can control. After taking the test i remembered what my friend kassim said to me at the beginning of the year. He said; you spend so much time worrying, about how little time you have to do all you have listed out, unknown to you that your worry consumes a large percent of your little time and at the end of the day you accomplish almost nothing and you are right where you feared you’d end up. I honestly chose not to understand what he was trying to say, but now, i think i understand his point. I feel like i have a lot of people to make proud, with finals just around the corner and the reality that sets in after graduation. Sigh! I really don’t enjoy spending time thinking about the hassle. Leaves a big fat lump in my throat.

What do i want to do after graduation? Where do i see my self in 2020? I used to have answers to these long run question’s. But right now i don’t have an answer to any of these questions, and I’m not going to stress to find answers, and i have come to accept that its totally fine not to have the answers. I have decided to be a little optimistic and not worry as much. I’ll still work hard, but I’m yet to figure exactly what I’m working towards, but I won’t be living on the ifs, whys, and how’s anymore. I’d rather just learn about life  through osmosis, Until i figure out exactly what my ‘calling’  is. Till then, I’m going to continue posting right here every other Thursday, Stressing your eyes with unintentional grammar and punctuation errors.

P.s I will never stop loving you guyz for reading, reposting and  commenting. Most especially for your kind and encouraging words💋.

This post is inspired by Lukas Graham’s 7 years. ❤❤❤

Love Abenii

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