Chapter four (Chery on top)
But he did no such thing, to a point he felt relieved. It was over but I wasn’t going to let that happen. I didn’t want it to be over, this wasn’t the perfect happily ever after. I wanted to be the girl that ended up with the first man she fell in love with. But the forces had a good laugh on this one.
I couldn’t believe he wasn’t ready to fight to us, I blamed myself for trying to get his attention by breaking up with him. Sometimes I convinced myself that I was better off without him. Months went by and I still wasn’t over him, then he decided to have “the talk” he didn’t want us together because he wasn’t going to be back in over 5 years, yes! That was his excuse. He said he still had feeling for me and we could find a solution. I was so excited, at least it was a step he was willing to take. Things seemed normal for couple of days then he disappeared once again. This time he was gone for months, not a word from him and when we finally spoke it was a very casual conversation, like he’d done absolutely nothing wrong. I didn’t get what was going on, I was lost molly; like how the hell do you say you love someone, disappear for months and then return like a prodigal child at the brink of death. Was i supposed to welcome him back with opened arms and spread legs on a silk bed sheet? I was confused and most importantly I needed answers. It was about four months after we had “the talk”. I just wanted to know where I stood, and why i thought it was okay for him to disappear and re appear. I remember I had an exam that morning, and his reply practically tore me into pieces. He wasn’t ready for “commitments” , truth be told i expected everything he said , i just didn’t expect to hear them from him. That wasn’t the hurtful part though,what hurt the most was that he didn’t have the decency to tell me earlier, he just left me hanging like a bat awaiting night time . He left me hanging I was just lost. My heart was literally broken. I just laid there in bed for days, I got upset for no reason, and food became the only thing that made me smile, I couldn’t stand men; they automatically made me sick but despite all this i still couldn’t get myself to hate him. I remember telling Sadia how I wish I was a lesbian feminist and she just laughed, I spent months feeling sorry for myself, blaming myself for scaring him off, nothing seemed worth while anymore. I was this close to loosing a really good job offer. I felt like the lord had turned his back on me and that I would probably end up alone with 28 cats like aunt pearl. I didn’t even get a happy birthday message, and that was just the height of his shenanigans,lord knows how many asses and bitchiness I had to put up with for his birthday. he suddenly sent me a text out of the blues a month later like an uninvited spirit wishing me happy birthday. Saying sorry didn’t change anything; actually it helped me realise a lot. I was laying in bed one afternoon listening to Cris Williamson’s ” the changer and the changed” ( no judging ) when it suddenly hit me; what was I doing being depressed? Feeling sorry for myself was something the old me found unacceptable. I mean I wasn’t a bad person and if he didn’t want to be with me that was his loss, a very huge loss at that. Lord i had an amazing job as a junior Editor and a new apartment. It was time to move on and i did just that.
Unfortunately, in the issues of ‘love’ not even being a lesbian or a feminist will make a difference. If one truly loves, a heartbreak will take its toll, no matter what…